The cyclothymia collective

I have set up an account with Twitter. Maybe someone out there will be reading tweets and see it and then come to the site for information. My screen name is "Cyclothymia". If you are interested in Twittering about moods, add me as a friend and then I'll add you.

My nephew asked me why I would like Twitter over Facebook for updates. Well. On Facebook, when you post an update, everyone can see it. That's not good if you want to keep your neurological status to yourself and a few friends. Twitters allows this.

I was playing with the chart options in Word 2008 and made this. I think it is an accurate description of how I experience Bipolar Disorder, with hypomania on top, depression on the bottom and the mixed state in the middle. Stable is there at the base, holding things together. Not terribly earth shattering, but it shows that the mixed state is at the center of the experience. People seem to be able to muddle through with depression for years, and they enjoy being hypomanic. It's when things start getting mixsy that they go in for help. Because it really is insufferable. It is what makes us mess up marriages, lose friends, lose jobs, turn to alcohol and other drugs, take unwise risks, think about killing ourselves. So why do so many people who visit the forum seem surprised to learn that there is a third mood? So I'm putting it right dab center for us all to stand back and admire.

In reply to a forum post on a site about something entirely different, I wrote this:

I agree that the statement "depression is misunderstood" is true.

Most people think depression can be defined as "you are down about something for a while, then you pick yourself back up." This kind of depression does not require professional help, or it might respond well to behavioral therapy.

The depression that requires chemical assistance and does not respond to talk therapy is something else.

It is a neurological condition involving things called reuptake inhibitors, basically resulting in an inability to absorb seratonin or dopamine. Trouble with these hormones can lead to feeling depressed, but in the French form of the word, "lacking pressure", or impulsion in life. It results in reduced feeling, reduced interest in life, an inability to create or engage in planning, or even just give a shit. It might lead to suicidal ideation, or even suicide. 25% of people diagnosed ith Bipolar Disorder attempt suicide at least once.

It's okay to say, "My boyfriend left me, I'm depressed, boo hoo hoo," but try saying, "I am still grieving the death of my father five years ago." Unfortunately this second kind shares a name with the first. What if the lack of feeling, the suicidal ideation were called, for example, Woolf Syndrome (after Virginia Woolf, who is a well known depression victim)? "I am receiving treatment for a neurological condition called Woolf's Syndrome" would find a more sympathetic audience than "I am receiving treatment for depression."

I've been very busy at work, editing, editing and doing more editing. This is the first year my brain hasn't gone completely fried as a result. I credit the Wellbutrin.

I am, however, noticing that I am entering into a mixed state. It's not that I have been hypomanic, just really focused for six weeks and now that I am reaching the end of the pile, I am starting to come down.

Here's how I feel:
I feel like I have a slight buzzing in my body.
I'm concerned about the neighborhood (peaceful neighborhood, no reason for fear)
Worried about work, political stuff...when there really are none
Am of the opinion that what I do is bullsh*t.
General anxiety.

It's mild, but they are all there. Time to break out the Xanax. I estimate another three days of heavy work and then I can do some relaxing....unless one of my other bosses decides to dump on me :P

It's been months since I updated. I have a pretty good reason: I've been having a really good time and have not wanted to think about cyclothymia. I am doing very well on my mix of Lithium and Wellbutrin. I'd say my life has changed radically. I can think, I can feel, I can see and I can create.

I replaced Zoloft with Wellbutrin in December in an effort to see if it would bring some peace to my chaotic mind, on the hunch that I was ADHD. Where I live there are only one or two ADD/ADHD specialists, and no one is doing adults as of yet, so I was really on my own about it, reading and reading online. I built up a case for it and presented it to my psychiatrist and he agreed to try it (Wellbutrin is supposedly the drug of choice for Bipolar people who have ADHD/ADD). Within three day I felt improved, and it has just been getting better.

I spent most of the Spring working on my novel when I wasn't at work or parenting. This was a joyful experience for me. It was like being 11 or 12 again, before the neurology set in. I have been writing every day now for the last seven months. I won't claim to be a good writer; just being abke to write at all feels very good. I feel like I've stepped out of a time machine, thirty years older.

I've also lost 25 pounds. No more carbohydrate cravings, and an ability to plan and follow through on exercise have made it effortless. I have hooked up a laptop to my treadmill and do my mindless surfing there-- and writing, of course.

I have had the nicest week. No work at the office, so I have been riding my horse and working on my NaNoWriMo novel re-write. I may have mentioned before that while I wrote compulsively as a teenager, I had never finished a piece of fiction before this. I stopped writing fiction in college and turned to technical writing. NaNoWriMo was great because I had to complete a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. And I did it, with two days to spare.

Never having finished anything before, I have no experience with rewriting a piece of fiction. I had no idea that it could be so engrossing, and so much fun. I just came to the part where the main characters have to part and I got choked up. Silly, but true. And surprising.

A whole new world is opening up for me. I have always been creative. I have made quilts and had photographs published, designed websites, and done other thingsbut none of them has been as exciting as this.

When I was 7 years old my father brought home his Smith-Corona typewriter and I fell in love. I started writing plays and then advanced to longer pieces, some of which I did finish...but when the BP kicked in around 8th grade the writing ceased to be a reasoned activity and became a love-hate-addiction kind of relationship. I was in the habit of writing, but went through periods when I couldn't write, and then doubted everything I had written. And then in college I just gave up. It was just too hard.

Twenty-five years have passed. I've been on Lithium for eight years now. The general bellief is that Lithium will kill your creativity, but I am no so sure about that. In these eight years I have taught myself web design and have created websites for work, charities and hobbies; I have gotten reinvolved in photography and learned a great deal about Photoshop; I have bought a horse and started to learn the complex discipline of dressage, and now...now I am rewriting MY NOVEL.

It may not be a great novel, but it is MY NOVEL. It is something I had given up planning or hoping to do. Having evidence of this thing which for so many years I wanted to do but was unable to do, is thrilling.

I owe it all to being on meds. Maybe other mood stabilizers can do the same for people; Lithium has done this for me. I wanted to write about my experience with it in order to put a positive story about it out there to let people know it can happen. Lithium doesn't mean saying goodbye to creativity.

In a lecture in 2000 at the Manic Depressive Association of Boston (highlights of lecture here "Dr. Frankenberg presented a study of bipolar artists that were asked how their creativity fared now that they were taking lithium. One-third said their creativity was great, one-third noticed no difference, and the remaining one-third thought it had suffered."

I have just been through my first full cycle while on my new anti-depressant. I switched from Zoloft to Zyban after I read that Zyban is a good choice for treating ADHD. Once I became fairly stable, I became aware that even when on an even keel, my mind was always racing. On the forum someone started talking about ADD/ADHD and then I found an online test for it and several of us took it. My forum mates had scores like 24, 34, 42. Mine was 83. Which was the beginning of my suspicions.

Last fall my daughter, who is 15, started commenting on how distracted I was and then I became aware that I was spending almost all of my awake time online or "engaged". I would kind of feel panicky when I couldn't be with my computer. It wasn't an addiction, but I realized that it was not normal or healthy. There were other symptoms (constantly jiggling my leg, for example). I started researching ADD/ADHD in earnest, and what kind of meds I could try as a person with Bipolar. The usual ADD drugs, Straterra and Adderall can sent a person with BP into hypomania. The only drug recommended for people with BP was Wellbutrin (Zyban).

When I had an appointment with my pdoc, I laid out my case. He had been talking about switching my antidepressant anyway, so when I suggested Zyban he said yes. He is not an ADD/ADHD expert. Where I live there are very few of them, and even fewer (like non) specializing in adult ADD. Which is why I did my own research. Because he might have switched me to Zyban anyway, trying it for ADD/ADHD seemed a reasonable move.

SO I've been on Zyban, with Lithium, for two and a half months. This is what I can say: I am able to focus for the first time in my life. I can really see my environment, listen to music, talk to people and be really present. When I am working, I can just sit down and get things done. It's amazing. I have started taking an interest in my appearance (I've always been well groomed; but for a long time I didn't care about fashion, trends. I felt like an outsider looking in).

On the negative side, because I can really focus now, when the dysphoria came along I could really feel it. It was more intense than it ever has been because I could pay attention to it. Before, when I felt like there were always multiple television sets on in my head at the same time, dysphoria was just another television set. There would be a crowding of the ADHD stuff (overbusy mind, distractibility) with the BP stuff (nasty negative emotions). It was always a confusing, disheartening time. So take out the televisions and leave the BP and...woooooah....unpleasant!

Definitely need to go have my blood checked to see what is up with the Lithium. In December it was on the low side. Hopefully, it is still low and upping it to get within therapeutic range will be easy. If not, then I will have to ask for a different mood-stabilizer.

So the Zyban is good for the ADHD, not so good for the BP, but maybe checking my Lithium levels will fix it.